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As many of you know, I resigned from my previous job after 11 years.  It was my first and only job out of college.

I’ve been gone for five months, and I realized that I haven’t really acknowledged how I was feeling.  I was hurt because for a long time, actually one of the main reasons I left, was I didn’t feel valued.  It became so clear to me that some of the really personal things I feel are critical to doing good work (making people feel appreciated, making my office a place where people felt comfortable sharing their lives (sometimes secrets) with me and making sure someone felt valued because of their contribution) wasn’t as important as just getting the job done.

For me, the moment I had this realization – I checked out.  If I’m not working with my heart, I don’t want the job.  I don’t want to be in that place anymore.  I can’t be. I left.

And now, I struggle.

Struggle because I miss the people.

Struggle because sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything else.

Struggle because I can’t understand at what point a place I used to love because they weren’t scared to try new things stopped doing new things.

Struggle because maybe what I thought was so great actually wasn’t that different from anywhere else.

And, sometimes I just get angry.  Mostly at myself.

For ignoring the signs for so long.

For believing that they put the same value on relationships that I did.

For staying so long and losing sight of a bigger picture.

For allowing my world to become so small and losing the ability to dream big.

And, sometimes I’m scared.

Scared that I have lost my ability to dream.

Scared that I will be forgotten.

I’m not sure how I will do this, but I know my most important job now is to make space for new things in my life.  To let go of this paralyzing fear I have to give myself permission to dream big.  Or, to dream at all.  I know it’s going to take time and I know I need to be patient.

Has their ever been a time when you’ve needed to make space for something in your heart?  Any advice?

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November 2011
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