It’s always rough to come back from vacation.  This year, I think it was harder for me to go on a vacation.  As our week in Wisconsin got closer, I kept asking myself – what do I need a vacation from?  I wasn’t sure.

I have spent the last 11 years working full time.  I got married, had 2 kids and maintained a home.  Now?  Take away the 40+ hour job.  I am doing some consulting work, but I spend most of my days with my kids.  The decision to leave the only job I knew was a really tough one.  I poured my heart into that job and into the people.  I loved it.

Well, that is until I didn’t.  The job became emotionally and intellectually unfulfilling.  I want to be clear though, the people did not.  I thrive being with a group.  When I’m asked to do something, I almost always say yes.  I love to help out when and where I can.  I’m definitely a people-pleaser.  I love talking to people, learning about their lives and telling them about mine.

As we drove to Wisconsin, I couldn’t help but not feel that excited.  Something was bothering me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Why wasn’t I happy?  I left the job that made me unhappy, I was getting to spend more time with my kids who I adore.   I knew not being around the people (many who became dear friends) was going to be a huge adjustment.  But, it was more than that.  I was being short with my family, especially my husband.  As we pulled into Wisconsin, got everything settled and all tucked in bed, it hit me.

Enter: athazagoraphobia.

As I lay in the dark, tears quietly streaming down my face, I realized exactly what I was scared of.  I was terrified of being forgotten.  Or worse, terrified of being remembered for something that was insignificant.

When I’m gone, I don’t want people to think, “oh, Jami made the best salads.”  Or, “she was so organized.”  Or, “wow, she got some really great donations for the auction.”  Are you kidding?  Gag.

I truly believe that I was put on this earth to do good work, to do good things.  I don’t want to be remembered for being, well, ordinary.  I know it’s not going to be easy.  I have days when I feel very brave, like I can conquer the world and there are days when I don’t.  I just know there is something inside of me, something waiting to come out.  I know at times it will be scary.  But, I also know that I must do it.

I’m pretty sure that my athazagoraphobia is only temporary.  So, watch out world.  I’m coming to help.

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