It’s always rough to come back from vacation. This year, I think it was harder for me to go on a vacation. As our week in Wisconsin got closer, I kept asking myself – what do I need a vacation from? I wasn’t sure.
I have spent the last 11 years working full time. I got married, had 2 kids and maintained a home. Now? Take away the 40+ hour job. I am doing some consulting work, but I spend most of my days with my kids. The decision to leave the only job I knew was a really tough one. I poured my heart into that job and into the people. I loved it.
Well, that is until I didn’t. The job became emotionally and intellectually unfulfilling. I want to be clear though, the people did not. I thrive being with a group. When I’m asked to do something, I almost always say yes. I love to help out when and where I can. I’m definitely a people-pleaser. I love talking to people, learning about their lives and telling them about mine.
As we drove to Wisconsin, I couldn’t help but not feel that excited. Something was bothering me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Why wasn’t I happy? I left the job that made me unhappy, I was getting to spend more time with my kids who I adore. I knew not being around the people (many who became dear friends) was going to be a huge adjustment. But, it was more than that. I was being short with my family, especially my husband. As we pulled into Wisconsin, got everything settled and all tucked in bed, it hit me.
As I lay in the dark, tears quietly streaming down my face, I realized exactly what I was scared of. I was terrified of being forgotten. Or worse, terrified of being remembered for something that was insignificant.
When I’m gone, I don’t want people to think, “oh, Jami made the best salads.” Or, “she was so organized.” Or, “wow, she got some really great donations for the auction.” Are you kidding? Gag.
I truly believe that I was put on this earth to do good work, to do good things. I don’t want to be remembered for being, well, ordinary. I know it’s not going to be easy. I have days when I feel very brave, like I can conquer the world and there are days when I don’t. I just know there is something inside of me, something waiting to come out. I know at times it will be scary. But, I also know that I must do it.
I’m pretty sure that my athazagoraphobia is only temporary. So, watch out world. I’m coming to help.